A Few Recommendations to Stop Airborne Terrorism
TSA agents stationed at airports security checkpoints must profile the hell out of Middle Eastern looking travelers especially bearded young men. Unshaved women should also be screened.
Qualified profilers tap on the shoulders of suspicious looking passengers. The suspects go through a rigorous intrusive screening and interrogation while other passengers in line give them dirty looks and ridicule them for their inappropriate national origin and funky names.
The cleared profiled travelers however should be properly compensated for violation of their constitutional rights. Their seats to be upgraded to first-class at no charge to include complimentary in-flight meals (with Halal meat) and non-alcoholic beverages of their choice.
If implementation of idea #1 does not mitigate the terrorism threat, then it becomes obvious that Middle Eastern people are more dangerous than previously thought. In that case move to the next idea.
Ban Middle Eastern people from flying all together.
Since this preventive measure may cause slight inconvenience for some of our fellow citizen and to accommodate their travel needs when young Middle Eastern men book flights, a healthy mule-with sufficient supply of hey- must be shipped to their address free of charge by Fed-Ex within 48 hours as an alternate mode of transportation (mule must be equipped with inflatable safety vests for transatlantic travelers).
If God forbid, after taking all these precautions, airborne terrorism occurs, it becomes evident that the evildoers have gone through major reconstructive surgery to alter their facial features to trick face recognition devices at airports. In that case leave Muslims and Middle Eastern people alone and suspect everyone else as follows:
Profile the hell out of anyone who does not look like anything like Middle Eastern young men including but not limited to the followings:
The white haired nanas with thick glasses who are carrying apples pie, the blind Jewish Rabbi with asthma, Buddhist monks in colorful outfits, the exotic dancers with fake boobs sitting in a wheelchair, the pregnant woman with triplets whose water is about to brake, the barking hyperactive Cocker Spaniel in cage and even the dead uncle’s body in casket being transported to Russia. The aforementioned prime suspects must go through intrusive background check, pat-down and cavity search with no exception.
If the above steps fail to neutralize the threat, then consider the ultimate solution.
Put all air travelers to sleep for duration of flight. Before takeoff all passengers must be given sleeping pills. A sedative suppository must be administered to non-cooperative travelers. This security measure saves money for airliners and reduces air fare as there would be no need for fly attendants anymore to throw peanuts bags at passengers.
Finally, as a last-ditch effort and to help prevent violence against innocent civilians in particular and to create a safer world for everyone; follow the next idea:
Idea #5 Paradigm Shift
United States must stop meddling in internal affairs of other countries, and quit the bad habit of invading and occupying countries under false pretenses. Also supporting people’s struggle for democracy instead of flirting with dictators in the Middle East would help make skies safer for all.