Adam and Eve

On a calm, starry night, Adam was sleeping on his back, loudly snoring. His annoying noise echoed through the cave and kept Eve from falling asleep. Every time she dozed off, Adam's obnoxious noises disturbed her serenity and kept her up. She finally rolled over and gripped his nose shut 'til he couldn't breathe. Adam's chest violently shook; he trembled and jumped awake.

"Must you lie on your back and snore like beasts?

You're generating objectionable sounds from every orifice in your damn body. How do you expect me to get some rest?" she nagged.

Adam scratched his crotch with one hand and wiped his eyes with the other, "How else do you suggest I sleep then? I can't turn on my side, you know. Hopefully, you haven't forgotten how your majesty was created. This woman can't stand seeing me rest!"

This was not the first time Adam rubbed the creation thing in Eve's face. Every time they squabbled, he brought up the issue and mocked her to keep her in line; but this time, she was too pissed off to take it.

"Enough is enough," she huffed. "Who the Hell do you think you are? I owe you nothing; I mean not a thing! For your information, it wasn't my choice to be created from your damned ribs. This is your last warning; if you make noise of any kind, any sound from any hole, I'll split."

"Split my ass," Adam murmured.

"I am serious, Adam; I will find a place of my own; I've had just about enough of this crap."

"You can go to hell for all I care." Adam turned his back on her while adjusting his nuts' positions, settling down to sleep,

Surly Hell was not the right place for Eve, not by any stretch of the imagination, as she did not care for the relentless heat and excessive humidity. The polluted air was not suitable for her flawless skin, and worst of all was the repulsive odor of sulfur, the constant reminder of Adam's farts. That was why, in this short period since her creation, she avoided the area altogether. She ground her teeth, lay beside him, and furiously started counting sheep.

The following day, Adam sat by a gurgling fountain with a long face. His hair was mussed, and his messy beard had grown. In the past few nights, he had disturbing nightmares. He saw Eve with another man, an unknown male creature like himself but pleasant and friendly, a pretty sociable individual, the characteristics he never thought existed. He had a gut feeling that his woman was up to something; otherwise, why would she start picking on his demeanor and complaining about his appearance and occasional belching? He knew something was amiss, yet he had no clue what to do about it. He didn't know anyone else to accuse of such an offense. There was no one in heaven to blame.

On a few occasions, he had tried to get her to talk by asking tricky questions, but Eve was too bright to spill the beans. Once, he overtly brought up the issue and confronted her. He openly talked about his recurring nightmares, yet she flatly dismissed the baseless allegations of impropriety and blamed the nightmares on his late-night gorging. She went further than that and attributed such irrational accusations to Adam's lack of moral compass and excessive ingestion of red meat.

The disturbing images and troubling intuition, however, had turned his world upside down. Adam knew something was wrong. The flames of burning jealousy were ruining their lives. He was not in the mood to do anything anymore. His love-making performance was nothing short of a disaster, another reason he felt like a complete failure.

Adam plunged into a deep depression. He lamented the first few short weeks of his life with Eve, the only happy days he had with her. He pined for the days they woke early mornings and strolled from the northeast side of the Eden, their neighborhood, to the rim of Hell, where they turned around, walked back to their milieu, and jumped into the pond for a swim. This morning routine usually aroused Adam and prompted a quickie and a hearty breakfast. The morning walk was Eve's idea to control Adam's weight. She insisted he cut down on red meat and exercise three times a week to reduce his body fat as he grew disproportionally to look like a penguin.

Adam was simply suspicious of every moving creature in heaven, especially those damn monkeys. He had noticed when monkeys thought he was not around, seized the opportunity, jumped on Eve, groped her, and chuckled wickedly.

As Eve was floating on her back in the pond, tickling water lilies with her fingers, she called up on his man, "Adam, I want children. Your performance in bed is simply inadequate and not bearing fruits. It's embarrassing; you must try harder."

Adam stared into the sparkly fountain, thinking aloud, "I dreamt we had two kids; one was a nincompoop who couldn't stand up for himself, and the other was a scoundrel and a troublemaker. And the worst part was that they didn't get along. We're better off without them."

Eve stood in the waist-high water, quickly braided her whisps of hair, and screeched, "Why do you talk to me like that?

"Talk to you like what?" Adam shouted back.

"Like my opinion means nothing."

"I told you, woman, I don't want kids."

"But I want kids."

"But I want kids," Adam ridiculed her by repeating her words in an animated clownish manner.

Adam's foolish behavior did not sit well with his woman.

"And who the Hell made you the boss? Who are you telling me what I want?" She yelled.

"I told you what we should do, and that's all there is. I don't want to talk about it anymore!" Adam shrieked.

Eve pointed her finger and called upon him in an alarming tone: "You know something? You are not the only one who makes decisions around here. So far, I lived with you because I had no choice. You were the only man I knew. Ever since I opened my eyes, you were there, but that may not be the case in the future, Mister!"

Adam's eyes suddenly shone with rage as this comment finally validated his nightmares.

"Come out of that damn water right now!" he ordered.

Eve had never seen her man so furious before. She immediately waded out of the water and gently asked, "Why did you get so upset? Adam, in your physical condition, stress can be fatal; your heart may give in. Calm down, dear."

Adam screamed, "I don't want to calm down. You, you're having an affair."

"What are you talking about? I don't know this word; please explain, as this is a new word in our lexicon."

"Don't act dumb; you know exactly what I mean. Too late to deny it. Is something going on between you and those damn monkeys? I knew they were not touching you innocently. If I catch one, I'll shove a stick up his ass!"

Eve shook the water off her body, "Do you believe I fool around with those ugly creatures? I'm offended; this is a new low for you."

"Just tell me the truth." Adam was trembling with rage.

"Come on, cutie. I wouldn't consider such a thing."

Adam had lost his senses. He violently grabbed Eve's elbows and pulled her to him, "Tell me everything. Who is he? Who is he? What's his name?"

Eve knew she couldn't hide the truth; she had to come clean. She took a deep breath and slightly separated from the fuming brute standing in front.

"OK, I tell you everything. But Adam, please act rationally."

"Don't tell me how to react." He pointed his trembling index finger at her.

"His name is Devil. I met him last week."

"Devil? What kind of a foolish name is that?"

"He wants me to call him Devy. He says Devy is sexier."

"Where the hell did you meet this bastard?"

"Funny you said hell because he's actually from Hell, born and raised in that area, but what part of it, I don't know.

"Just tell me where he lives, and I'll know what to do with him."

"You can go to hell," Eve said.

"How dare you talk to me like that?"

"I mean, you need to go to hell to find the Devil, literally; that's where he lives."

"But that's a rough neighborhood, you know what's going on there. You've seen how terrible living condition is in Hell. You saw the creatures that shoot fire out of their mouths; Hell is a scary place; who in his right mind wants to go to Hell?" Adam was perplexed.

"What do you want me to do? You're the one who's insisting on meeting the Devil."

"Rightly so; I want to find this bustard and teach him a lesson."

"I don't mean to be facetious, Adam, but I repeat if you dare to meet the Devil, go directly to hell."

Eve was getting a kick out of this situation. She knew her man wouldn't dare to go to Hell even when his masculinity was in question.

"But you didn't meet him in hell, did you?"

"Of course not."

"I don't care about where he was born and raised; just tell me where you met the guy."

"Walk straight until you reach a huge willow tree, then turn left and keep going until you see a misty spring by a cave.

It's a cozy spot. The air is filled with scented mist, and stars blink overhead at night..." she droned as she daydreamed.

"Now you go on a rendezvous behind my back? Is that how much you respect our relationship? Don't you see what you're destroying between us? I cannot trust you anymore?"

"Adam, you are reading too much into our casual relationship. What we need is a solid foundation. Don't you think we need to build the trust between us and let it grow and flourish?"

"What the Hell did he talk about? Tell me everything," Adam interrupted.

"Hell is what he always talks about; how difficult it was for him growing up under such adverse conditions. Devy has a lot of stories to tell. But I assure you, Adam, nothing happened between us. Devy is a true gentleman. He is poetic, articulate, witty, and overall a sweetheart! You should see his cute dance moves; it's so charming the way he gyrates his ass. Why don't we both go together? I want you to meet him."

By hearing the affectionate words of his woman for another man, Adam grew even more desperate.

"He's soft-spoken, a good dancer with a great sense of humor, and you still trust him?" Adam was going berserk.

"Please, Adam, don't be so judgmental…"

"I'll show this maggot who he's dealing with." Adam was fuming.

Adam and Eve planned to visit the Devil the following evening. During this time, Adam was increasingly nervous. Anxiety gave him a severe case of diarrhea, and he spent most of the night behind the bushes contemplating a way out of this predicament.

He was about to face the man with superior qualities, a man who was on the verge of stealing his woman. He knew Devil was a good talker, so in the remaining short time, he practiced debating complex issues, and since he lacked the mental faculty and knowledge required to argue the difficult problems, he kept babbling incoherently while throwing his hands in the air. He helplessly tried to use fancy words in his solitary debate, yet due to his limited vocabulary, what came out of his mouth was pretty much the same as what came out of his ass. As a precaution, however, he was planning to carry a big stick with him the next day to serve as a cane to make him look sophisticated and to beat the Hell out of the Devil if worse came to worst.

The next night finally arrived, and the heavenly couple walked hand-in-hand to visit the Devil. Adam timidly followed Eve's lead to face the inevitable. They strolled into the Garden of Eden and finally found themselves in a cozy spot with a tantalizing view of an aromatic hot spring surrounded by lush trees and blinking stars overhead.

Poor Adam was not enjoying the scenery as his knees were about to buckle; he was about to faint. At this moment, the couple noticed a snake lurking in a tree watching them. Before they could react, the lurking serpent swiftly released himself from the branch and flew in the air. It masterfully tossed and turned in midair and landed before them in the shape of a man. Adam, who was stunned by this spectacular performance, desperately gathered all his strength, looked his arch-enemy in the eyes, and introduced himself.

"Nice to meet you. My name is Adam, the forefather of humanity."

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Sir. My name is Devil, the Lucifer, the prince of this world,"

The host warmly greeted them and invited his guests to sit.

"Eve told me a lot about you. You're so lucky to have such a beautiful companion," the Devil commented.

This devilish remark placed a beautiful smile on Eve's face, which did not go unnoticed by Adam. Complimenting his woman was something he'd never mastered. The Devil had scored a point.

To neutralize this vicious attack, Adam replied, "You are quite an expert in seducing women, aren't you?"

"I seduce men as well," Devil smiled while slyly winking at him.

The comment with the salacious gesture caught Adam off guard; he was not prepared to respond.

After they chatted about the living conditions in Heaven and Hell and recent rainfall, Satan walked inside the cave and returned with a clay pitcher and three clay chalices. He filled the cups with a blood-red liquid and offered them to his guests. Adam and Eve, who had never seen red water before, took a cautious sip.

Devil noticed the inquisitive looks on their faces.

"This is wine, a fermented product of grapes."

Wine made Adam a little dizzy, yet the pleasant headache he experienced was different from the ones he always had during his arguments with Eve.

"What do you do all they all by yourself?" Eve asked Satan.

By nature, I'm an introvert, which means I get energy from within. I like to have more quiet time to contemplate the depth of issues. To me, quality of life matters, not quantity. I also believe in self-improvement. That's why I learn different things to nourish my inquisitive mind and gratify my inner self.

"Don't you get tired of self-gratification?" Adam asked Satan.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by that?"

"He means playing with yourself all the time? What's that all about, dude?" Eve attempted to clarify Adam's comment.

The more the heavenly couple spoke, the more they revealed their shallow nature and lack of understanding.

"I don't think you understood what I meant,"

As the night progressed, Satan ran out of patience with his guests and concluded that Adam and Eve were not the type of creatures he wished to be associated with.

"I am duty-bound to roam in the Garden of Eden and vicinity to spread evil. The creator has directly authorized me to test your goodness."

Adam and Eve did not have the slightest idea of what Satan was talking about and showed no interest in engaging in profound and meaningful conversations. They liked the wine.

The truth was that the Devil's demeanor was not adversarial. Adam found him quite friendly, easygoing, and cool.

Satan poured a second round and toasted their health and happiness. After the second, Adam asked for the third and the fourth. Eve refrained from binge drinking, but Adam kept drinking.

Eve warned her man to stop drinking as he was acting even more foolishly than usual. But Adam was out of control; he drank cup after cup until midnight.

The Devil noted Eve's awkward situation.

"Adam, I think Eve has a point; maybe we had to call it the night.

Adam barely got up and staggered towards the hot spring, holding his chalice high in the air, and slurred this poem:

"I love to reach the moment; the wine-tender offers me the next round, and I fail to down."

Then he collapsed into the water. Adam's idiotic behavior mortified Eve. She pulled him out of the water, apologized to their host, and dragged him home by twisting his left ear and cursing him under her breath.

***

This was the dawn of amity between the first humans and Satan, the root of all evil.

After that night, the heavenly couple frequented the Devil regularly, always uninvited. They had an insatiable inner desire to do evil with no need for inspiration from the Devil. Although, on numerous occasions, The Devil advised them to enjoy life in heaven in moderation, Adam and Eve never cared about his advice and always went too far. They showed a superior aptitude and enthusiasm not only to learn but to enhance evil acts. Their propensity to act evil came as a surprise to Satan himself. They invented their brand of abhorrent deeds unfathomable to Satan. The more Satan knew the heavenly couple, the less he liked them.

Shortly after this acquaintance, they made better wine than their mentor. Adam showed extreme talent in debating both sides of any issue. He diabolically twisted any argument to his favor and nailed the Devil. After witnessing the way Adam and Eve conducted themselves and understanding the true nature of humans, Satan desperately attempted to offer some moral values to humans, and he failed miserably. Soon, the first humans surpassed their mentor in every respect and learned and perfected every one of his tricks.

Soon after acquaintance with Adam and Eve, and when Satan grasped the ramifications of his role in their lives, Satan went through an atonement phase in which he contemplated the meaning of his existence, the true purpose of the creation of humans, and the unintended consequences of his role in this charade.

Adam and Eve, on the other hand, had a different view of the relationship. They believed life to be only about material possessions, tangible concepts, and pleasure and nothing else, regardless of the consequences. They found Satan to be a naïve and gullible creature from Hell, a lower-class citizen of heaven, an unassimilated poor and deprived refugee of a sort who knew very little about the good life.

They mocked him at every opportunity they had. They loved to play practical jokes on the poor soul. The Devil didn't know how to stay away from them anymore. He took refuge in Hell, where he knew well, where he belonged without reservations, where he could be safe and be himself again without fear of persecution for who he was. Alas, Hell was also the place Adam and Eve grew to like and frequented for entertainment purposes. The tense and fiery environment gave them a rush and complimented their trance, a sinful sensation they could not achieve in the tranquility of heaven.

"Mark our words; we will soon turn heaven into a classy version of Hell. We will raise heaven's temperature to make it feel like Hell.

The Devil usually transformed himself into a snake and hid in holes, but they pulled him out by the tail and teased him ruthlessly. Bullying in heaven caused the Devil to develop nervous ticks and controllable twitching.

More than anything else, the Devil was harassed by the unwanted sexual advances of Eve. He felt so uncomfortable with her salacious comments and sexual innuendoes and violated by her inappropriate touches. He had no privacy anymore. Life in heaven had turned worse than living in Hell for Lucifer. His life was in complete disarray, and he lost joy in living in the Garden of Eden. Devil was so fed up with human beings that he decided to end his tormenting relationship with Adam and Eve.

One night, he invited the two to his place. After dinner, he confronted them.

"I have a confession to make. The creator gave me a mission to tempt you. I understood that you were pure and innocent, and my job was to corrupt you.

"Didn't we have this conversation before?"

Adam sniped.

"You bitched about this subject the first night we met you," Eve said. "You don't fully understand our nature. The issue is not that we don't grasp the concept of good and evil or don't know the difference between right and wrong; get it into your thick skull, we don't care," she continued.

"Intellectually, we understand your moral arguments, but we just don't give a damn about your altruism. Would you stop being a crying baby and go with the flow already, for God's sake?" Adam scorned.

"You, my friends, are two disturbed individuals by nature, and I don't want to be blamed for your corruption; you never needed me for that. Let's call it quits. This friendship is not going anywhere; I want out. The entire paradise is yours, and I'll go to Hell and enjoy my stay as long as I don't see the two of you again." Devil's eyes were filled with tears as he uttered these words.

At that precise moment when Devil was most emotionally vulnerable, Eve pinched his ass. "We are not through with you yet, you sexy thing!" and giggled repulsively.

Satan blushed at her humiliating treatment. He did not know a nice way of getting rid of them. A few minutes later, without raising suspicion, he excused himself and departed. As soon as he was out of their sight, he ran; he ran for his life. Finally, he entered a cave in the depths of Hell, dropped to his knees, and cried to his creator.

"Dear God! We need to talk. We should have this conversation now before it's too late. I have carefully studied these two freaks of yours and analyzed their behaviors. How could you create such jerks?

What were you thinking? I don't mean to portray a dystopia and come across as a pessimist, but I warn you, if these two idiots procreate, we will be in big trouble. How could these two possibly have decent genes? Their descendants will be worse than they are. They will destroy heaven with ignorance and greed.

And now I can see what you're up to, my dear Lord. You knew their corrupt nature from the beginning, yet you played this sick, deranged game. You maliciously got me involved to blame me later. You planned everything, didn't you? You cannot be more deceitful than that. I tell you this; there is no way I take responsibility for your crap. I refuse to be a victim of your conspiracy. I am not your scapegoat.

I am submitting my resignation effective immediately."

Devil cried like spring showers; then he took a deep breath, mopped his running nose, and continued, "Let's be practical, my dear Lord. What's done is done, but we must shift into the damage control mode. Pointing fingers is not going to solve our problem. At this juncture, I don't care what your divine purpose is for the future of humanity as long as I'm not a part of it. Just keep these two assholes away from me. Dear God, please do something."

Satan shed tears of sorrow and sobbed in agony until, despite lack of a history of epilepsy, he had a seizure and started having convulsions. His entire body trembled like the autumn leaves and finally collapsed. As a result, he lost consciousness and went into a deep state of coma for an unknown period.

When he finally gained consciousness and woke up, he was a different Satan: inspired, rejuvenated, and optimistic.

The Devil strode back into the Garden of Eden. As he approached the same gurgling fountain where he entertained the two, he noticed Adam and Eve approaching. They were both drunk out of their minds.

Eve called out to him, "You ditched us the other night, you Devil. Come to Mama naughty boy, I’m not through with you yet; you sexy thing."

Satan cleared his throat as he walked closer to them.

"Wait, my friends! I am going to show you something new. You don't know everything about heaven yet."

" And you're the one who is going to teach us? That I like to see." Eve giggled.

"Where did you get your massive ego? We don't need you for anything but to pick on. There's nothing here in heaven we don't know about. I remember you were rambling about Hell and its harsh living conditions. Well, we took it upon ourselves and explored Hell and what it entails. We've already figured it out. Hell is the future of heaven," Adam remarked.

"You're right; I can see you two have already started on the project of turning heaven into a living hell. But there're still things you don't know."

"Then spell it out, Goddamn it," Eve Shrieked impatiently.

"There is a tree with fruits that make you high; it takes you to a different world. The pleasure of wine is nothing compared to the magical stupor caused by the fruits of this tree. But I have to warn you're prohibited from tasting these fruits."

Satan intentionally promoted the idea of forbidden pleasures per instructions of the Lord himself.

"Hmm, if tasting this fruit is prohibited, it must be good shit; we're all in." Adam and Eve chanted in unison.

"Whatever the hell it is, as long as it gives me pleasure, I'm all for it," The intoxicated Eve shouted.

"This fruit is perfect for you two pleasure seekers. It's just the right thing for you."

He then guided Adam and Eve to the tree he never knew existed before he went into a coma.

The heavenly couple swiftly picked fruits and started gorging as if they'd never eaten before.

The moment they swallowed the first bites, they felt a powerful kick to their asses. Before they had a chance to realize what had happened, they were thrown into the sky.

The Devil sighed in relief and waved at them as they got farther and farther from heaven and joyfully shouted.

"Now, you are officially going to the fantasy land!"